I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

//[i cant slp...]\\

i cant slp so im here to write this sentence that i cant slp. ok goodnite im going to read some books now.

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|4:52 AM|

//[.......]\\

ok so i know wads it like to be rejected already. its ANTAGONIZING!! the feeling of screwed up is left dangling,without wanting to cease. ok so its a very lousy description but im afraid its too fucked up to put into words.

hopes were high for me the previous night when i called her, talked for a brief moment. ok so she even asked about my day its like everything was going ok. i didnt even expect this, frankly. but today when i wished her happy bday and all, i asked her out and she told me she was attached, and i felt like stunned. a moment of denial , followed by grief , followed by anger , and finally acceptance. loving someone doesnt mean possessing her. just hope that all's well for her and wish her happiness thats all i can do for now.

many frens comforted me and said that theres many other girls out there, i know that its true but how can i help it if shes the one that i desire. ok maybe its a little selfish on my part to be unable to let go but its an outright lie to say that i am able to. i guess i will be stuck thinking alot for the next few days. so pls guys, ask me out or something to take my mind off of this matter if not i will jus suffer a major emotional breakdown. kinda exaggerating but its true.

i was lying to myself, i knew that it was impossible, im totally out of her league. ok so i tried to confess my feelings to her. it was alright at least she didnt reject me instantly. but to get my hopes high and then plunge again is really a big blow. a moment of happiness followed by anguish. a really very sad day for me. i dont even know whether i will or can have the confidence or commitment for future relationships. man im letting this shit get the better of me. why am i such a weakling now. perhaps its because of my past deeds. so its getting kinda corny now.

anyway i hope to be able to forget her really really quick. because its jus totally IMPOSSIBLE between us. get that in ur damn thick skull andy. u cant be that dumb to fight a losing battle.

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|3:15 AM|

Monday, December 26, 2005

//[HOW i spent my christmas :D]\\

many people have many ways of spending christmas. well mine is erm not so cool but it isnt very dull either becuz i had loads of fun yeah!! ^_^

first off, i jus came back from darren's house from his christmas celebration. anyway the previous nite all of them were at my house for the christmas eve party. its a norm for my family to celebrate this occasion and xchange gifts at 12 midnite sharp. everyone brought gifts but 3/4 of them were chocolates LIKE WTH!! hahaha. anyway MOST of them reached my house at 8 or before that, then andy sam and evil had to come at 9.30 -_-. so late siaaaaaa, anyway nvm its great they came ! HERES A PIC ON MY COUSIN'S TAIL WOW!!

and we had alot to eat becuz my house is like a never ending food fest hehehe! at around 10.30 the carollers from COG came to my house and they sang the same songs as last year! although its the same , the meaning is there and the spirit was clearly moving amongst us in this period of time. anyway after xchanging our gifts we spent time playing mahjong till maybe around 4.30 am when it started to rain and they had to move from my garden area to inside my living room. we all sat on the floor and started to play blackjack hahaha! i didnt noe people gambled during christmas. anyway it was really cool becuz i think i made like 7 bucks in the end while the rest of them lost quite alot of money to the banker hahaha. when it was time for them to leave it was pouring very heavily so i loaned them some umbrellas but nevertheless they got drenched haha.

enuff of that, on christmas day itself which was yesterday, we decided to go to town to catch a movie. by the time we all met and reached the place , the tickets were all sold out duhhh. it was really sad ok! haha. anyway i bought a new adidas jacket becuz i jus received my pay ^_^.

although not much but i decided to reward myself with this present. hehehe. its the brazil world cup adidas jacket. nice nice!! after walking to far east for awhile , they bought some stuffs while i jus idled around lazily, we were bored stiff so we decided to go to darren's house for dinner. hehe

so we arrived there rather earlier than he had expected us to be. so nvm it was cool for him too.
i was really in a very very sad state becuz of some stuffs i read on her blog. yeah T_T its so so sad. anyway andy was there to console me, not to mention yejie also becuz of his unorthodox way of consoling a person by making it sound as if watever im going thru is perfectly alright haha. when we were at darren's house it was ok ok quite crowded but we managed alright. sat and ate and chit chatted for awhile before waiting for his relatives to go home.

after they left , it was back to our gambling session man. MASS blackjack and mahjong man. opened 2 tables jus like at my house haha. this time i played as well and guess what i won man! LOL i so newbie also can win shiok sia!! before that i was sitting with andy at the sofa and he was consoling me and asked me to confess my feelings to her so ok lor i sms her. the 1st reply was ok but i guess her reaction after that was rather negative. i felt very very dejected. i lost alot of money on blackjack due to that reason, but i recovered my losses when she msged me goodnite! HAHAHA. ok enuff enuff. so we played winning eleven till morning erm around 8am. haha. then they had to go so ok lor all go home.

so here i am back home , still owing myself a nite of slp. so off i go i can hear my bed calling me. merry christmas guys . i still hope i stand a chance :(

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|8:59 AM|

Saturday, December 24, 2005

//[training was cool]\\

we got a new player in our lineup. extreme yay hi welcome extreme! haha anyway today we didnt really have a full team, it was seph's last day playing with us. for rage infact. and then he's gonna leave so that cat can play hahaha. we played 5 maps with 5bm.

so like everyone was ffaing. erm its something like play ur own way becuz we didnt wanna try out any tactics we jus wanna taste out our teamwork with the new lineup and then well i guess the bonding's there becuz we were able to communicate well and extreme was able to FRAGGA!! haha. so we welcome him lots lots lorrrrr!

anyway tml will be christmas's eve and my house's gonna have a tremendous party alright!! its gonna be a dinner party and lots of guests will be invited including my relatives and some church members. and the COG church ( my church ) carrolling team will be here at 10.45pm to sing for us yay!

we gonna haf loads of fun i guess and i promise ok! gonna have an exchange of gifts at midnite. so i hope i dun get a towel again like last yr T_T!! haha. anyway i bought presents for my family members and im damn brokeeeeeeee now. sigh no money at all man. i bought for my dad this cd frm 'that cd shop' . it consists of all the oldies so i guess he mus like it so i got it for him. and i also dunno wad else he likes so haha yeah. i got for my mum a pearl necklace from perlinis silver. hey its not that expensive it cost like 45 bucks only haha. and then i got for my sis this pair of diamond dangling necklace frm perlinis also which cost 32 bucks ok! and after that my wallet burnt!

haha. but nvm its all worth it. what can be more important than family members rite?? hehe. anyway i wanna get myself the BRAZIL WORLD CUP ADIDAS JACKET yeah!! its damn nice its green and yellow great combination of colours. haha. so like i watched 2 movies this week -_-. king kong and chronicles of narnia. both movies were great the effects nowadays are much better. but narnia had alot of speech which kinda bores those who doesnt like draggy movies. haha do catch them if u have the time its really worth ur money,especially kingkong :D.

i've gotta go and wrap chantelle's present up now and gotta give it to her on sunday. CHANTELLE U BETTER APPRECIATE IT OK!! i had a hard time deciding on the present for u.

SO I JUS WANNA WISH EVERYONE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!! ^_^

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|12:35 AM|

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

//[yeahhhhh]\\

this past few days have been full of ups and downs for me. my emotions cant take it anymore :(. first off there was this cs compy at cineleisure. hmm i dunno but somehow we didnt do very well in it although we gave our best. but we could have won !! $1.5k ok. haha. anyway after the compy we sort of felt very disappointed becuz the way we lost wasnt very ermm , very smart LOL! how can anyone lose smartly btw hahas.

well i think maybe God was trying to make me leave the compy early becuz there was a cell group later on and if i advanced i wouldnt be able to attend the cell grp. so yeah its his plan. anyway after i left the place, i went to the bus stop which was outside heeren, cuz joshua asked me to take 14 to upp east coast road. hmmm i waited for like 45 mins and no sign of 14. i looked at the bus stop sign and shucks there wasnt any 14!!!!!!! i was damn PEK CHEK!

so i went down the road to centrepoint's bus stop and waited for the 14. it came IMMEDIATELY. before that i prayed to God asking him to enable me to be punctual for the meeting as i didnt wanna miss anything and i guess he answered my prayer! on the bus i was still thinking about the competition. i felt really very disappointed indeed. never haf i felt like i let myself down more. haiz. anyway the trip took around half an hour. joshua told me to look out for an old shopping centre. i couldnt find it and i tried to call him but my phone had no reception. man sway or wat! haha but after awhile i could get through. i told him i reached a shell station and he told me to stop after that after the siglap shopping centre. as i put down the phone there were 2 old ahmas who were chatting away before that, they suddenly turned to me and said that siglap shopping centre was behind 1 stop. i was frantic , didnt noe wat to do so i stopped at the nxt stop and walked back 1 bus stop. again , God sent his angels to guide me. imagine both ahmas talking to enthusiastically and suddenly they could overhear what i was saying and directed me to my destination.

when i reached there i was like erm 15 mins late ahaha :X . but nevertheless i was welcomed by them with open arms lah. my church has the nicest members :D as i sat down i started to think of the compy again i dunno why but the scenarios jus kept flashing thru my head like is jus happened. it was still vivid at the back of my head. i was very very distracted.

anyway i managed to concentrate after having a meal. so i guess that was wat kept me very very distracted haha. after we finished cell grp we went to take bus to the nearest mrt station. along the road joshua stepped on a 50 dollar note woah how lucky can one get! haha so he was kind enuff to split it among 4 of us. so we each got 12.50 haha. imagine not winning 1.5k but getting 12.50 =( anyway its better than nothing haha.

so i left for home that day , weary and sad as well. but i guess all these are trials and tribulations that God put me thru. :D

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|12:45 AM|

Thursday, December 15, 2005

//[shag]\\

just came back frm jogging + suntanning. dont see much effect on the suntanning haha cuz i laid down in my garden :X . anyway i started on this daily cardio routine thanks to ian. hahaha. he told me to like lose 5-6kg before going into gym if not beneath all the muscles will be fats and if i stop training i will be fat again very easily. so i heed his advice lorrrrrr.

ok i think im going shopping today or maybe camp at home. eh on 2nd thought maybe i stay at home tomorrow then go town ehhehe.

anyway my home's gonna have a christmas party whoever is interested can gimme a call ! yeah. or sms me. but tell me ur name becuz i changed phone then all contacts gone. sad :'(

take care people! and merry christmas!!

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|3:51 PM|

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

//[running thru my head..]\\

but i'd rather you be mean than love and lie
i'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
i'd rather take a blow at least then i would know
but baby don't you break my heart slow

man i jus got home, feeling really very shagged now. haha. just went to see my father at hospital. hes feeling much better now i guess because he can talk and all now so yeah. and thats a great sign too becuz it wil mean that my mother's not gonna be so uptight about everything now which leaves me a happier man! :D

anyway on the way home i was really bored. because my sister was trying to break her speed record of reaching home and she was cursing all the other drivers that held her up haha! when we turned out frm CTE reaching home, we saw this L plate driver. he was driving like 80 km/hr when they were onli allowed 40? haha! then we came to this traffic light which turned amber. guess what that L plate driver sped faster and right across that red traffic light! haha first time we saw something like this and we both ended up luffing our arses off! (which woke up my mother sitting at the back). ahaha. that really made my day. :D

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|2:13 PM|

Monday, December 12, 2005

//[what a day !]\\

this morning (sunday) i got up as usual and did my daily routine jus before going to church. after i got ready i heard my mother calling me, so i went over to see what did she want. she looked really dejected and she told me that she had called my father earlier and he wasnt feeling very good, so we decided to go and visit him just before going to church.

skipping breakfast, we hurried down to sgh to see my father. he was looking glum but broke into a smile upon seeing us. i knew how he must have felt to see us. he explained to us what had happened to him the previous night and after doing so , the doctor's assistant came into the ward and informed my dad that he is recommended to go for another operation just after having one week ago.

after that my 2 aunties came frm church at around 1.30. all of us were hungry so we decided to grab a bite first before the operation commenced. i had a plate of nasi padang which cost $7.20 like wtf?? this is a plate of nasi padang not some babi steak ! and worse , i didnt feel full after eating it.

my sis and i went upstairs but my 2 aunts went home becuz they wanted to go shopping. we saw our father slping and didnt want to wake him up. we sat beside his bed and said a silent prayer for him before we left. i saw my mother outside talking to the nurse to inform her later before the operation. so we left for home after that.

went home to catch a few hrs of rest, after 2 hrs i got woken up by my mother again. she was feeling anxious and wanted to go earlier in case we couldnt catch my father before he left for the operating theatre. when we arrived we saw him sitting up looking outside the window. he looked very dazed but again , happy to see us. we told him that we went home and changed before coming back to see him.

the doctor came back and said that there was a delay as there were 2 emergency cases before my dad's so we had to wait until around 6 before he was being pushed into the theatre. all of us stood outside and prayed for him , as well as notified all my church members about his condition.

i really pray and hope that my father would be alright this time so that my mother would noe be so vexed everyday. she's also looking very sickly now and if she breaks down i dunno how i am gonna take care of both of them !! :'(

Pls pray for me :D

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|3:01 AM|

Sunday, December 11, 2005

//[im sick and tired of these silly games.]\\

past few days have come and go in an instant. i wasnt even able to catch my breath! lol what an exaggeration. anyway i haven been the luckiest guy alive for this past week. every team that i betted on lost. i cant believe it man. im really down in the dumps. T_T

and to make matters worse, i havent got any money to pay !! hahaha~ =X i cant face myself. im such a foooooool. dunno how i got myself addicted to betting soccer again. =/ maybe its cuz i aint got nothing to do. i guess this week i haven been working much. worked one day and took 4 days off haha omg. im gonna work like everyday next week to make up for it. ok ok thats my promise to myself. :D

my dad isnt recuperating very well in hospital. hope he gets better as the days come to pass. really do miss him around at home even though i get ticked off pretty often, but it just feels so empty without him around. i guess the phrase "to not cherish the things around u until they are not there" but in this case my father is onli temporarily away. =(

anyway i hope i can win back the money that i lost!! pls man! if not i will DIE and i mean literally.
take care peeps and pls do tag!~!~! and any1 who wans to ask me out im free like everyday! becuz i can take off anytime hahaha!!

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|3:18 AM|

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

//[swept away on a wave of emotion..]\\

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Swept away on a wave of emotion
Overcaught in the eye of the storm
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

I've been touched by the hands of an angel
I've been blessed by the power of love
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|1:04 AM|

//[its not easy to be me]\\

many things running thru my mind right now. to or not to go into a relationship, thats the biggest question mark in my mind right now. =/

totally devastated by my past relationships, i dare not venture into new ones lest i suffer the same fate. haha. i m so fickle minded.

i guess its jus work , cs and watever may come.

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|12:53 AM|

Saturday, December 03, 2005

//[I'm Sorry I Don't Love You No More]\\

For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold
didn't you say
If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl
tell me
Ok I know I was late again
I made you mad and then it's throwing the pan
But why are you making this drag on so long
i wanna know
I'm sick and tired of this silly games
silly games
Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more.

I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone
I see it all so clearly
Me at the door with you inner state
Giving my reasons but as you look awayI can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

Don't say those words it's so hard
They turn my whole world upside down
Girl you caught me completely off guard
On the night you said to me
I just don't love you more.

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|11:15 PM|

Thursday, December 01, 2005

//[how i wish..]\\

oh yah i forgot to add in , hermione is so damn pretty . shes mah dream gurl man . if i ever see any gurl like her anyway i will not hesitate! :D HERMIONE !!!!!!!

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|11:44 PM|

//[harry potter is nice!]\\

today went to watch harry potter with andy and snake. the show lasted 2hr 45 min ? it was damn cool man the show, hahaha. shall not go into detail watch it urself guys !! :D

anyway after that went to IRC to look for their frens, and it was damn boring but time wasting so its alright haha.but anyways its alright. quite a fun day for me.

gotta work tomorrow starting from 2pm - 3am !! sian !!! sure damn tired like hell. haiz!! haha anyway look on the bright side, that'll be alotta money ! :D

so i gotta go slp early now guys. happy reading my "online magazine" benneh !! hahaha.. nites all!

-but baby dun u break my heart slow|11:21 PM|